Don't Think I Don't Think About It
by lillinfields
Summary: Tony's loss is another's gain. 5 years after Judgment Day.
1. Chapter 1

Tony gripped the church door handle as he fought to steady the rising emotions coming up from within his chest

**Title:** "Don't think I don't think about it…"

**Author:** LilJei

**Fandom:** NCIS

**Pairings/Characters:** Tony D. (Implied Tony/Abby)

**Rating:** PG

**Summary:** Tony Leaving after Judgment Day

**Warnings/AN's:** So this was inspired by my sister daring me that I couldn't write Het to save my life and my love of Darius Rucker's new single "Don't think I don't think about it"

**Disclaimer:** So not my show, song, or main character!

Tony gripped the church door handle as he fought to steady the rising emotions coming up from within his chest. He fought the whine that wanted to come forward. He let out as a breath as he pulled on the heavy filigree handle that hung limply from the ancient church doors. Heavy was right, the handle was like his heart. Opening the door would seal his fate; it would seal many of the cracks that the last 5 years hadn't.

He'd left NCIS that day, what felt like an eternity ago in a saddened frustration that couldn't have been helped. Leaving the team behind wasn't as hard as it should've been. Leaving the job that had been his life for every waking moment for longer than any other job wasn't that bad either. There wasn't any love lost between Vance and him and he had certainly pissed off everyone on a regular basis but he wasn't about to be anybody's bitch or scapegoat. He wasn't gonna hide on a boat for the next year, not even for Gibbs, his delusions, and the team. There had been one reason he would've stayed and she wasn't saying a word to him.

He'd left headquarters after his sentence had been handed down. He'd cleaned out his desk, said some quick goodbyes to some friends, and was all set to go when he'd had to do the painful thing and lie to Gibbs. He'd promised to drop by in a few hours and figure strategies out etc. But he took the cowards way out and lied, not even lying convincingly enough. But he'd gone, done, and then walked away. No one chasing him, not that he had expected it really but the one confrontation he knew would happen did, just not in front of the others.

When Tony had come out of the elevators in the parking garage, he saw her lounging against his rental as if she still belonged there. It had quickly brought up memories he'd rather have had to do without. But before he could say much, she had said "Stay" and he had looked at her as if she was crazy. Why stay he thought to himself; there was nothing but pain and sickness here, even at sea, he would've never escaped the reminders. He'd given her and the agency all his good years and he was tired. Tired of a lot of things and to be honest as much he still longed for her in his arms and to have such a great job plus a family that mattered it just wasn't enough and it hadn't been in a long time.

As the silence between them lingered all he could think to say was a quick and mumbled "I'm not coming back and I've had enough." She had pushed away from his car then and was walking away with no tears just a small sense of regret in her eyes. He couldn't say goodbye or anything else of note he had been to choked up. Sliding into his car, he had started her up, put her into gear and saw her looking back at him through his rear view window. Tony remembers swearing to himself as he drove away, he had his regrets but she and NCIS wouldn't be one of them. Pulling away from the garage, he had finally pulled away from a life that had slowly been smothering him.

Tony blinks as he comes back to himself. He shakes the memories away from him like cobwebs and as the door swings open, he prepares his mask for this glorious day. It would finally be putting to rest the last decade of so of loss and memories. He was happy for his friends, really he was he thought with a smile. He'd always been a moment in her life, a quick succession of fun and sexy moments never to be repeated once HE had entered her life. He never begrudged them their love; it was an off and on slow building love that finally had come to a point all these years later. Tony smiled then, he was walking into a final chapter of their lives together and it was about time too.

Tony decided to sit at the back of the church, in the shadows that would barely conceal him on such a beautiful day. The sun lighting the glass panes and shining upon her curls as if she was truly an angel was a sight that warmed him. He hadn't brought much of a gift for the newlyweds, just a few pieces of his heart to heal the pain he'd left behind all those years ago. She'd read the letter, cry and show the others that he'd fulfilled his promises to all of them. He lived and after 5 years he was finally, living as well could be.

He knew from the slew of emails and voicemails he'd gotten after that day that not even Gibbs had understood his leaving for good. When determined his boss could figure technology out and the message he had left on Tony's phone the day after he'd pulled his disappearing act had been heartening at some points and heart breaking at others. Gibbs had conveyed everything Tony had wanted to hear for so long but no longer needed too. No matter what anyone had said once he'd left there was no going back. He had heard about her wedding and other adventures through one of his sources and thank goodness, he'd heard in time to make it. He would never have missed this day regardless of his status in the last few years.

He watches as the man who had been his brother for so long took the woman that had stolen his heart and breath in one moment lean in and kiss as if for their very lives. It was a stunning moment and Tony couldn't do much else other than smile. As the party was leaving the church, he'd seen his girl covertly look around obviously wanting a sign of his presence he laughed quietly to himself. He beat them to the reception and now he planned to leave just as soon as he dropped his gift off. He wasn't leaving it on the gifts table; no, he felt it more appropriate for her private reading pleasure. So as he slipped out of the women's dressing room he had to smirk, he still had the skills and as he moved out the back door, he imagined her reaction. Between a cry, a scream, or just a small breath before sitting he couldn't decide which would make her frail beauty stand out the most. But this was best for them both. It might've been nice to see the team again and chat about their lives but he knew that between the two of them, neither of their hearts could've taken the pain.

And as he slides up to his car and glances back, he watches as she moves gracefully up the steps of the reception hall never once stopping till she reached the top stair. His breath catches in his throat as her gaze lingers on him. She always did know when he was within her sights, in all the years of cat and mouse in the office and her lab she'd always known he was at her back. Just like after today she would also know she would always be in his heart but that it was better that they both left it at that. And once more he slides into a rental and starts her up and as he looks back in the mirror, he finally thinks to himself that she wasn't waiting for him anymore and he didn't know what hurt more.

He drives away thinking about actions and consequences and about his beautiful raven, that was once his but nevermore.


	2. Chapter 2

Title:"She Still Loves Him Today"  
Author: Lil Jei  
Fandom: NCIS  
Pairing: Tony/Abby  
Rating: PG  
Word Ct: 600+  
Summary/A/N/Warning: It's a continuation kind of one shot fic of "Don't think I don't think about it…" which had Tony as the main voice. This one is all about Abby. It's a future fic/AU. Set 10 years after her wedding to Tim and 15 years since Tony had wised up and left. Blame my current fascination with George Jones and his heart wrenching song "He Stopped Loving Her Today." My muse went crazy with this idea, had it not happened I don' think I'd have ever added more to this fic. Oh the show and characters are so not mine and if you don't like Het don't read...

The Original Fic...Part One you could say...**.**

Leaning back, Abby had to smile a bit. She finally found out where he was living. After years of searching every once and awhile he had slipped up. And now she had her fly or maybe spider. She didn't know at this point. But a determination had settled throughout her bones, she knew she needed to do this. She hadn't seen him in 1o years. Not since, she caught a glimpse of him at her wedding. But as usual he'd come and gone and just left her with a weakened heart. It was little less than she deserved. She had been the one to break him apart first and lastly.

It had been her indecision that had broke them up originally. And it had been his stubborn need to leave and be free that had been the death of everything she had dreamed afterwards. She loved Tim there was no doubt in that but she couldn't help but dream about a different fairytale ending. In her current ending, she'd traded a tarnished but loving knight for one that was squeaky clean and always polished. If she was honest with herself for a few minutes in her day she'd say that she hated her life, her husband, hell just about everything really. Even Gibbs and Ducky got to her these days. Always wanting more than she could ever hope to give. Of course, her responsibility to her kids might have something to with that too.

But he had understood that about her and she'd thrown it all away. She missed the acceptance and comfort she had taken for granted. Here she was almost 15 years after he had left and she still hoped to see him and that flashy car pull up to her on the side of the road one day and just take her away. Her life would be completely different had she said yes when he had asked her. He had wanted to love, to marry, to live a little. But it was when he'd spoken honestly about his need to leave that she had balked. She'd left with little more than his broken heart in his hand. His solemn eyes still haunted her. It was after their breakup that their love and friendship had lingered but hadn't lasted. It was after his last test of endurance that he'd finally given into his own needs and left. To be free she knew he had to leave but still to this day even in her current circumstances, it hurt.

So this was where she found herself and found him. She was going to go she just knew it. It would hurt Tim and the others if she didn't tell them. But it would hurt Tony more if she told them. It would be their little secret. Just like everything else was, she thinks. No one but Kate and Jenny had ever seen the truth between the two lovers. She'd fought him every step of the way when they had been together. She had never wanted anyone to know about them being lovers. That thought flustered her alot. She still couldn't admit or discover the whys of that decision. Sometimes she thought she just wasn't deep enough or strong enough to look beneath the surface of who she really was. All she knew now was that she wanted to leave this life, this corner she was backed into. She just didn't know how. Even though she was in her study, she looked around for him. Hoping against all odds that he had found her too. And just as he always had he'd have come for her.


	3. Chapter 3

Title:"How bout you don't"  
Author: Lil Jei  
Fandom: NCIS  
Pairing: Tim/Abby. Past Tony/Abby  
Rating: PG  
Word Ct: ???  
Summary/A/N/Warning: It's a continuation of what was supposed to be a one shot fic - "Don't think I don't think about it…" which had Tony as the main voice. The second chapter was all about Abby. Now it's all about Tim. It's a future fic/AU. Set 10 years after Abby and Tim got married. 15 years since Tony had wised up and left. It is un-beta'd.

One: .  
Two: .

Three:  
Tim knew something had changed. Abby was being secretive. Not even Gibbs could tell him what was going on in his pseudo daughter's mind. The feelings, the haunted moments, and the shame in his wife's eyes had started to appear a few months ago. He didn't know what was wrong and to be honest he didn't know if he could face it if he did. For the first time since marrying her he was unsure of her love for him. Not the kids though, god forbid she ever lose any love for them. It was just him that wasn't satisfying her and he didn't know how to stop that or help her out.

It had been one big battle after the next in their house lately. Work wasn't as bad; they were tolerable of one another and just gave each the other the cold shoulder. Their marriage had been wonderful once upon a time ago. And all he knew that within a beat of his heart and blink of an eye it had all changed. At first it had just been a little snapping and badgering. He'd thought she was pregnant again. But a week turned to months. And now he was in the middle of their bedroom staring at her open suitcase and screaming mouth and just couldn't help but give in.

He'd been a fool to think she'd love him forever. She'd never been a one man woman. She always said she got bored easily. He guessed he'd been lucky to have ten good years out of her. He didn't want her to leave. Even with as bad as she'd been lately he still loved her. And he knew that despite his faults she did love him. In her own way he knew she forgave his temper, his writing fits, and even his uppity attitude that he had. Which was probably too much of their time together. Tim was tired, dead tired of fighting and as he tried to grab her and hold her to him he had to fight a gasp within as he looked into her eyes and saw no fondness, no love, just a little regret and a whole lot of hate.

He let her go then. Releasing her, he just watched as she walked away. He'd tried to change a long time ago, he'd fought to be a better man. They both had to compromise throughout the years and still he couldn't stop her. He had tried for so long to keep her, to give her all his love. It hadn't worked. Her eyes told him they were through. He knew deep down she wouldn't be back. Not anytime soon and not for him. She was leaving him, the kids, and her life all for what he didn't know.

Originally he had hoped for another try but knew that it was no good. There was no chance of that as he listened to the door slam, the car rev up, and then the kids cries. He stood there still clinging to the scent of gunpowder and jasmine. Still hoping she'd be back, that she'd jump into his arms, crying and begging to be forgiven. He could see the scene in his mind but knew in his heart it wouldn't be happening.


End file.
